This is going to be a hard report to write. This was the type of run that really questions why I even continue to put myself through these. It’s actually taken me a few days to really even want to think about it. I was just devastated.

I’m not really sure where even to start. My training had been excellent, some amazing workouts with one of the highlights being an hour long tempo at 6:30/mile. I was over 1,000 miles with several weeks between 80-95 miles, long runs were 15-17 miles, and I was consistently getting that mid-week long run in. So physically I was in shape.

Mentally I’m not sure where I was at the start of the race. The week leading up the race was a really roller coaster ride for me. Loads on my mind and I was trying to channel that into a positive spin and I thought I was there.

I had email exchanges on Friday with guy who was pacing me and I completely felt ready. On the drive up there I kept visualizing the race and it was all good. I had my time goal and race plan ready to go. I had some goals that I didn’t share with anyone that kept pushing me in training.

Then I get to St. Cloud and where I was supposed to stay for some reason wasn’t happening, so luckily I was secure some accommodations for the night. Got out for a quick jog before dinner. It was pretty chilly and very windy, but my legs felt excellent. Then after dinner, more stress happened, blah. The reason for going up the day before was so I could sleep in (since it’s a 90 minute drive), but I just couldn’t fall asleep.

Got to the start and went out on my warm-up with Jim. Legs were feeling pretty good, felt really fresh. It was pretty chilly (about 30) with a wind out of the north, which meant the last couple miles would be into a big headwind. I was a little worried about that, little that I know that it really wouldn’t matter at that time of the race.

Anyways, did a few strides then hopped in the corral with Regina. She was so nervous and I was just trying to get her to settle down (I was extremely happy for her, she wanted to prove a point and she did that, finishing 7th woman and ran a 1:27). I was really relaxed (or at least thought I was). The gun goes off and we’re off. There was a bit of a hill at the start and got up it ok and we were right on pace the first mile (6:40). I was breathing pretty heavy and my legs felt like lead. I kept thinking they were going to loosen up, but they just wouldn’t work properly. They just wouldn’t go.

The second mile was more of the same. I just didn’t feel right and was trying to block it out of mind, but it wasn’t working. I still ran a 6:39. Then all of a sudden the wheels fell off. There was a section of downhill on some grass. It had snowed the night before and the grass was really slick. This is pretty much where I said “fuck it” and gave up. Three miles into a half. The final straw was when Regina came up to us. I was done.

After that the 1:30 pace group came up and passed me. I couldn’t believe it. This all happening in the first four miles. At about mile 4.5 you pass the start area where the car was. I was ready to just get into the car and drive off. I hopped into a porta potty to just think. I was done. I have no idea why I didn’t quit there. I got out of it and hooked on to two girls and let them drag me for a bit. It was about this time when I saw one of my trainers and then I saw a co-worker a little bit later. It was so nice to see a friendly face and really helped me along.

I kept hoping I didn’t see my coach or any of my other teammates. I just wanted to alone in my pity. There’s really not much that happened at the end of the race. I just kept plodding along at around 7:20/mile. I finished and again, just wanted to hop into the car and drive away. Just terrible. I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone and really still don’t. I hate trying to explain or talk about why I can’t get my mind right in races. It’s so frustrating for every good race I have, I have three bad ones.

Normally after a race like this, I want to get back out there and run hard, but this time is really different. I’m about ready to say fuck it all…